How to Navigate External Stressors as a Couple
Experiencing stress in marriage is unavoidable, just as it is in life. Some stressors may be internal to the relationship - challenges with intimacy, communication, finances, etc. Other stressors may be external to the relationship, but can have an impact on the relationship nonetheless. Because external stressors are inevitable it’s valuable for couples to have a game plan for how to navigate those challenges when they arise.
Handling external stressors poorly as a couple has the potential to derail your relationship and create distance and maybe even animosity in the relationship. Whereas handling external stressors positively, has the potential to create more confidence, growth, and connection in your relationship.
What types of external stressors do couples experience?
There are a number of external stressors that can arise for a couple and impact the way they function and interact within the relationship:
unemployment
educational/occupational stress
moving to a new city
parenting responsibilities
childcare
conflict or challenges with extended family or in-laws
friendship
grief/loss
aging parents
lack of social support
health or medical issues for self or others
housing/home issues
vehicle/transportation issues
unexpected accidents and tragedies
natural disasters
adapting to positive external stressors - wedding planning, welcoming a new baby/child, a promotion or new job, etc.
Couples can be experiencing one or many of these all at once. Some stressors may be temporary while others may be chronic or longterm. The consequences may be mental, emotional, physical, financial, or multifaceted.
What is the impact on the couple relationship when faced with external stressors?
When couples don’t have the skills to positively navigate external stressors within the relationship it can impact the couple’s communication, their emotional and physical intimacy, and their overall satisfaction with the relationship. When a partner or couple are handling external stressors in unhelpful ways it may look like:
internalizing stressors without voicing them with your partner for support
utilizing unhealthy coping mechanisms - alcohol, drugs, risky behavior, changes in diet and food intake, too much or too little sleep, etc.
lashing out on your partner or children due to excessive anger, anxiety, or pain
overextending yourself to resolve stressors instead of asking for help or outsourcing support
seeking support/comfort from individuals outside the relationship that may increase risk of emotional or physical infidelity
When it comes to stress, it’s helpful to remember that our body can perceive stress as a threat. Because of this, stressors may trigger an overreaction to stress or the natural and physiological fight-or-flight response in the body. This often can explain our tendency to lash out (fight) or internalize (freeze) the stress we are facing. It’s important to understand both you and your partner’s natural responses to stress and learn ways to better cope and counter those unhelpful reactions. The following are signs that you may be coping with stress in a way that is negatively impacting your relationship:
Communication between partners feels on edge or sharp
The connection feels distant
One or both partners seem regularly preoccupied or distracted
You begin to compete who is facing the more time consuming or challenging stressors ex. one partner struggling with childcare challenges and one partner struggling with work stress are competing on who is more tired or overwhelmed
You or your partner are feeling alone, unsupported, unappreciated, or undervalued
No one likes to feel this way in a relationship, and let’s be honest - when we’re faced with stressful situations we’re way better off when we have our partner/spouse on our team rather than to feel like we’re working against them (only creating additional stress).
So how do you approach external stressors as a unified & connected team?
Reflect on what stressors are in your control and what stressors are out of your control. Often, we devote a lot of energy to stressing about things that are out of our control. Think, your in-law’s reactions to your parenting style, health challenges of a family member, etc. Making a clear distinction between what is in your control and out of your control will help the two of you create an action plan for the things you can actually change. For things out of your control, this may require some mental/emotional/spiritual work to find acceptance, peace, and patience during this season.
Determine the high priority stressors. Once you know what’s in your control, you and your partner should sit down and decide which stressors are highest priority and deserve the most time, energy, and attention. Tackling the biggest stressor together will take a big weight off of your shoulders.
Consider what realistic resources you have at your disposal (time, energy, money). Each of you should take on roles that reflect the resources you have available to you. Maybe one of you work long hours to create financial stability, but the other one has more flexibility in the day to devote their time/energy to overcoming stressors. Think about what each of you can realistically contribute and assign tasks/roles from there. If one of your stressors can be outsourced and you’re stretched for time/energy, look for outside support as well!
Consider your strengths and weaknesses. As individuals you likely both bring different skill sets and abilities to the relationship. After considering your capacity, also consider what task or role each of you should take on based on your unique strengths and weaknesses. For example, the partner who is more organized and better suited for research will likely take on the initial stages of finding a new babysitter or school for the kids. Whereas, the partner who is better at communicating and conflict resolution, may lead the charge on resolving an issue with a family member. Help alleviate stressors by utilizing your natural and differing abilities.
Know that effort in the relationship won’t always be 50-50. Sometimes your partner may be limited physically, emotionally, or mentally. If your partner is facing the loss of a loved one, challenges with employment, or recovering from the birth of your baby, there is likely going to be a need for you to step in and offer extra care and support. Have a conversation about this, let your partner know you understand how difficult things are for them, and let them know you are there and how you can help. The hope is that with your extra support, the path to healing or success can be accelerated. And, when you personally reach a time where you feel you have less capacity to give to your relationship, the hope is that your partner will be there to step in for you. Sometimes things will temporarily look more like 60-40 and that’s ok.
When you talk about your external stressors with your partner and create a collaborative plan for how to overcome them, you really begin to reap the benefits of having a life partner. Life and relationships aren’t always easy, but it sure is nice to have a supportive partner walking along side you. Even in the midst of stress, don’t forget to make time for fun, joy, laughter, and self-care. These positive moments will offer you additional strength, resilience, and protect your relationship as well.