Interview with Authority Magazine
Therapist Taylor Anderson of Marital Mindset Counseling on Five Keys to Happy, Lasting Marriages
An Interview With Nancy Landrum
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Published in
In my own marriage, my husband and I are opposites in many ways. Though we hold many of the same foundational values, many of our personality habits are so different they have the potential to cause conflict. The concept of not only accepting our differences but also VALUING our differences has been key. The same qualities and tendencies in each other that at times can be irritating, are the same qualities that bring balance to our relationship and encourage both of us to grow and get out of our comfort zones as individuals. We don’t always get this right, but choosing to reframe our differences with that mindset has been powerful.
Marriage is a complex journey that combines love, partnership, and mutual growth. To explore the foundations of successful marriages, we are talking to experienced marriage and family therapists. who guide couples through their challenges and triumphs. This series will delve into professional advice and strategies that foster long-lasting, fulfilling relationships. As a part of this series I had the pleasure of interviewing Taylor Anderson.
Taylor Anderson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Intern based in Miami, Florida. She is the owner of her private practice Marital Mindset Counseling, where she offers premarital and married couples the knowledge and skills required to not just survive marriage, but to thrive. Taylor is trained in Gottman Level 1 Couples Therapy, is a Certified Prepare-Enrich Facilitator, and a Certified SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) Assessment Facilitator.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what inspired you to become a therapist?
Thank you for having me! Even at a young age I always identified as “a helper” and a “peacekeeper” of sorts. I grew up with a very selfless and giving extended family and I often engaged in volunteer work with my church. My natural tendency to keep the peace of course designated me as “The Therapist” within all my friend groups growing up, which is often the case for many therapists! I knew whatever path I took in life; it would be one in which I could help others.
My path toward becoming a therapist professionally is not a linear one. While obtaining a bachelor’s degree in Sociology, I further developed my interest in social relationships, systems, and family dynamics. However, it wasn’t until I was enrolled in Nursing School and doing my clinical rotation in a Psychiatric Mental Health Hospital that I felt a pull toward the mental health field, as opposed to the medical field I was immersed in at the time. I made the pivot and enrolled in a master’s program for Marriage and Family Therapy and the rest is history!
What are some common misconceptions about marriage that you frequently encounter in your work?
There are many! The current divorce rate speaks to this, I think. Often couples enter marriage with misconceptions or unrealistic expectations of what marriage “should” really be like. This can create significant distress when the reality doesn’t quite measure up to the idealized version. This is why when I do assessments and premarital counseling with couples preparing for marriage, their unique mindsets and expectations toward marriage are always something we explore early!
The first misconception is that couples should always feel happy in their marriage. I realize this is a little ironic considering the title of this article but stay with me here! A marriage can and should in a general sense be a happy one! However, couples get into trouble when the expectation is feeling a consistent state of happiness. The truth is that you won’t always feel happy in marriage. Happiness is a feeling just like any other — sadness, fear, anger, etc. It comes and goes depending on what our current experience is like. There will be other days where your spouse’s words or actions make you feel otherwise, and that is both expected and okay.
A second misconception is that the learning and dating period mostly happens before saying I Do. Many couples believe or simply fall victim to the mentality that their relationship and connection will just naturally be maintained as their marriage progresses. The reality is that all the efforts made before getting married, to get to know your partner and to connect with them, must continue after the wedding day as well. If not, as each individual evolves and the relationship changes over the course of time, you end up with two people who feel they don’t really know one another anymore.
A final misconception is that there is one perfect spouse who can meet all your needs in marriage. This belief is challenging not only because it’s impossible for every one of your needs to be met by your spouse, but also because it can often lead to unfair comparisons. You may see other marriages that you perceive as “perfect” and are inclined to believe something must be wrong inherently wrong with your own. Or you may unfairly compare your spouse to someone else you’re looking at with rose-colored glasses. It reminds me of the saying, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The truth is, there is no perfect marriage.
How can couples keep the romance alive, especially after many years together?
Romance certainly is not kept alive by being passive. Romance is kept alive with intention and effort. In addition to continuing to learn about your spouse and continuing to date your spouse, it can be helpful to incorporate some novelty. No matter what age you are or how long you’ve been together, there is always something new to try whether it’s an activity, a place, a hobby, or experience. New shared experiences often create curiosity, connection, revitalized energy, and maybe even laughter — all things that positively contribute to romance. Not to mention, romance doesn’t have to mean spontaneous. One of the most common suggestions I offer couples is to put romance on the calendar. Is it as sexy as spontaneity? No. But, it does mean you care about it enough to carve out time for it, invest in it, and sustain it.
What are some common conflicts that couples face, and how can they resolve these conflicts in a healthy manner?
In a general sense, things like personality differences, roles/responsibilities, relationships with friends/family, spirituality, and parenting are all common sources of conflict in a marriage. More specifically though, there are two areas that often cause more marital distress than most: intimacy & finances.
When it comes to emotional and physical intimacy these conflicts usually pertain to frequency & quality. Each spouse may have different expectations, perceptions and preferences when it comes to intimacy. A deeper exploration of all the underlying past experiences, messages, and beliefs that contribute to the way you feel about sex & intimacy can bring clarity and compromise to the marriage.
With finances, similarly to intimacy, when couples talk about money it isn’t just about simple math. Couples are talking about what they learned from their caregivers regarding money, what positive/painful experiences they’ve had related to money, and unrealized dreams or goals they have related to money.
These are both deeply meaningful and vulnerable topics for couples. Instead of delving into deeper and meaningful discussions around these heavy topics, couples often result to oversimplifying them, which leads to less understanding and empathy for their spouse’s perspective and approach. Becoming more curious about your spouse’s history and experience (and vice versa) will create greater opportunity for resolution.
How important is trust in maintaining a strong marital bond? What strategies do you recommend for rebuilding trust after it has been broken?
Marriage is an especially vulnerable relationship — your spouse often sees the absolute best and worst parts of you. The hope is that despite each of your imperfections, you can count on this one person to continue to love, respect and care for you unconditionally. Trust in a marriage promotes a feeling a safety, acceptance, commitment, and intimacy. This is what makes broken trust particularly painful. Broken trust threatens that safe environment and creates doubt.
Rebuilding trust is a combination of choices and patience. The first choice is a decision by the spouse who broke that trust to accept full accountability for their actions, cease the behavior associated with the broken trust, and make a commitment to the process of rebuilding trust. The second choice is a decision by the betrayed spouse, pending the level of commitment by their partner, to work toward forgiveness and commit to the process of rebuilding trust as well.
Broken trust is often very complex. Both spouses must be willing to self-reflect and consider all the potential contributing factors that led to a betrayal. It is only once those factors are understood that the couple can begin to understand the context that allowed the betrayal to occur. Rebuilding trust is not an overnight process, and it is one that requires patience, understanding, and often a significant increase in transparency and openness between spouses.
Can you share some practical communication techniques that couples can use to improve their relationship?
Communication, done poorly, can often be one of the most significant contributors to distress in a marriage. Communication, done well, can be the greatest source of intimacy, understanding, empathy, and growth in a marriage.
First, I would say, when in a disagreement remember that the goal of listening is to understand rather than listening to reply. Spouses often become so caught up in preparing their response or argument that they fail to listen and take in what their spouse is expressing to them. Increasing your insight to your spouse’s experience will help you more effectively resolve conflict than attempts at persuasion.
Secondly, make your complaints solution oriented. Often couples get into a bad habit of presenting complaints about specific things their spouse does or says, but they fail to suggest a solution. When you make your complaint, make it an opportunity for growth and be explicit and clear about what you really need from your spouse. You can take this one step further by expressing why this issue matters to you. As an example, saying,
You never listen to me. You’re constantly on your phone.
Vs.
It makes me feel respected and that you’re interested in me when you put your phone down while we’re talking.
Lastly, it’s helpful to understand you and your spouse’s processing styleswhen it comes to communication and conflict. Often in a marriage, there is one spouse who initiates difficult conversations and is ready to solve problems as soon as possible. This is what we call an external processor. An external processor benefits from talking out issues directly and they can feel anxious or distressed if problems go too long without being resolved or discussed. The other type of processing style is an internal processor. An internal processor benefits from having time and space to reflect before collaborating on problem solving. They feel anxious or distressed when feeling pressured to open up before they are ready.
When these two different dynamics are combined, the perception is the externally processing spouse is “nagging” and the internally processing spouse is “avoiding” or distancing themselves. The truth is, neither one is necessarily wrong. Each spouse just has their own individual needs when it comes to processing, communicating, and solving problems. When spouses better understand their processing styles, they can communicate and resolve conflict in a way that fulfills each of their needs. I like to offer couples the guidance of the 24-Hour Rule: if the internal processor needs a bit more time/space to reflect or regulate their emotions, allow up to 24 hours to come back to the conversation, but don’t wait longer than that. This honors the internal processor’s need for space, but also honors the external processor’s need to know the conversation won’t be avoided or swept under the rug.
What are five skills or concepts that you’ve found beneficial in your marriage that you also share when working with couples?
1 . Gratitude is the antidote to Resentment in a marriage. Sometimes it’s easier to notice and express what your spouse is doing wrong. I challenge couples to notice and celebrate the good things, often!
2 . Cultivating a resilient mindset in marriage is a must. Marriage can be challenging just as life can be challenging. You won’t always agree. You will experience internal and external stressors that can negatively impact your relationship. Resilience is what will allow you to adapt and overcome those challenges. The hard times won’t last forever if you’re both determined to work through them together.
3 . Accepting your spouse’s unique habits and differences. Many of the disagreements and issues that occur in marriage arise because of differences in personality and values. Many of the differences you initially found yourself attracted to in your spouse can sometimes transform into annoyances the longer you have been married. Remembering that your differences often bring growth and balance to your relationship is helpful. The goal is not to change your partner. *This does not include behaviors that are related to any kind of abuse, addiction, or any unhealthy dynamics.
4 . Understanding that you will have different expectations of what marriage should look like based on the types of relationships you were each exposed to prior to marriage. Primary models of relationships and marriage, such as parents or caregivers, can have a powerful impact on your ideals of what you do and do not want out of marriage. Getting curious about your spouse’s experience in their own family and what they witnessed from other marriages, can give you a lot of insight into why your spouse may behave or think a certain way in your own marriage.
5 . Problems in marriage often are not linear. Spouses often get into a trap of feeling that “if my spouse did/didn’t do ____ then I would/wouldn’t do____.” The challenge with this mindset is that issues are usually much more complex than this and both spouses are usually contributing in some way. It’s helpful for each spouse to consider ways in which they may be contributing to the problem before placing all of the blame on their partner.
How hard is it to practice what you teach couples in therapy?
It can be incredibly difficult! There are moments within my own marriage where I feel I have a tiny therapist on one shoulder, encouraging me follow the skills I teach to couples and on the other shoulder I have this very human version of me wanting to react on emotion and impulsivity. Therapists don’t have perfect marriages either and for that exact reason my husband and I have our own marriage counselor we see at regular intervals throughout the year. It’s always helpful to check in with our therapist when there is a particular issue we feel stuck on, if we went through a significant transition like having our first child, or if we need to focus on reconnecting and reprioritizing our marriage.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Who has been the inspiration or model for your marriage? Can you share a story about that?
I am very grateful to have very positive and healthy models of marriage in my personal life. My parents, grandparents, and other family members have been great testaments to how valuable marriage can be when both spouses are committed, willing to put in the work, and remain connected romantically, as friends, and life partners. My parents have navigated multiple out-of-state moves, raising children, job losses/changes, my mom’s two battles with breast cancer, and all the everyday demands of life, all while upholding a beautiful level of respect, support, and true enjoyment of one another’s company. They are my inspiration.
Is there any particular book or concept that helped you overcome a turning point in your marriage?
In my own marriage, my husband and I are opposites in many ways. Though we hold many of the same foundational values, many of our personality habits are so different they have the potential to cause conflict. The concept of not only accepting our differences but also VALUING our differences has been key. The same qualities and tendencies in each other that at times can be irritating, are the same qualities that bring balance to our relationship and encourage both of us to grow and get out of our comfort zones as individuals. We don’t always get this right, but choosing to reframe our differences with that mindset has been powerful.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I really love the work that I do because it has the power to create generational changes in families. When I work with a couple through premarital counseling or when I’m working with a newlywed couple, there is an opportunity to not only create a healthy foundation for marriage for the couple, but that marriage then becomes a positive example of marriage for all those who witness it. For couples who go on to have children, they then have the knowledge and the skills to model a happy and healthy marriage for their children and for the next generations. For many couples, they are giving this gift to their children that they themselves were not able to experience with their own parents or caregivers. In that sense, for the couple there is also an element of healing past wounds and unlearning unhealthy dynamics that don’t align with their relationship goals & dreams.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I would love to inspire a movement that normalizes and increases awareness of premarital counseling! When I got married it was before I entered the field of Marriage and Family Therapy. I only had a very vague understanding of what premarital counseling even was. Therefore, it was not something that we partook in as an engaged couple. The longer I was in this field and the more trainings I did, I began to understand how invaluable of a resource premarital counseling could be. You gain a significant amount of insight into your partner and your relationship. You learn your strengths and your growth areas so you can be intentional. And, you enter marriage with a healthy mindset and the skills to navigate even the big challenges.
Beyond that, I’d love to just further normalize marriage counseling. Marriage counseling doesn’t have to be the last step before divorce. It can be utilized as a preventative resource, a check in to gauge your relationship health, and it can be a great resource to get unstuck, reconnect, and grow. I’d love to see a world where couples see therapists the same way they would see a personal trainer or a doctor!
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quotes”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.” — Esther Perel
The fact that relationships have such a significant impact on our quality of life, speaks to how at our core we each have a deep need to feel loved, understood, and connected. In a professional sense, this quote reminds me of the value of my work and the impact I can make on people’s lives by improving their relationships. In a personal sense, it reminds me to invest in my own relationships for myself and for others. It reminds me that I have a responsibility to be a better spouse, a better mother, a better daughter, sister, and friend.
We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)
I’m not sure if this is considered cheating, but mine would be a duo! Drs. John and Julie Gottman are such an inspiration for their research on marriage and relationships and the knowledge they bring to this field. I think they would be excellent company not only as professionals, but as people :)
How can our readers follow your work online?
Currently the best place to follow along would be my website, www.maritalmindsetcounseling.com or on Instagram @themaritalmindset.
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
Thank you for having me!
Images captured by: Kristina Corona Photography
About the Interviewer: At 79 years young, Nancy guides couples to transformative relationship skills, specializing in strategies for stepfamilies to succeed. Nancy brings her MA in Spiritual Psychology, personal experience and research proven strategies to guide couples to healthy communication skills and relationship happiness. Nancy has contributed to multiple media outlets including Huffington Post, Psych Central, and Woman’s Day magazine, to name a few. Nancy coaches in person, on Zoom, in her online courses atwww.MillionaireMarriageClub.com , on “Relationship Rehab” TV and Talk and has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married & Love It!” and“Stepping TwoGether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy’s goal is to lower the divorce rate globally.