How to Cultivate Resilience in Your Marriage
It’s no secret that marriage can be hard. Most couples don’t expect going into marriage that it will be easy, but if that’s the case, how is it that we still face an over 50% divorce rate in the United States? How is it that we so often see the rise and fall of so many seemingly perfect and promising couples (spoiler alert: perfect couples don’t exist), whether it’s relationships we know personally, on social media, or celebrity couples? The truth is that divorce is not uncommon in our culture.
We know that marriage will be hard, but do we actually know what to do and think when things do become difficult?
This is where resilience comes into play. Merriam-Webster defines resilience as “the ability to withstand or adjust to to challenges.” Resilience isn’t just knowing that hard times will exist and being reactive when those times arise, but cultivating the ability to navigate and overcome hard times with intention. Resilience is mental, physical, and emotional - it’s what we do, what we say, and how we think. Here are 4 ways you can create a resilient mindset in your marriage:
Explore & Understand Your Unique Mindset & Expectations Toward Marriage:
It is often said that comparison is the thief of joy. I would argue that unrealistic and unclear expectations can equally be the thief of joy in marriage. Let’s first talk about unrealistic expectations. Some of the common unrealistic expectations that couples can have that can set them up for failure are beliefs that…
*Your partner will and should meet every single one of your needs
*If you have to ask your partner to do or say something it’s not as meaningful
*Your relationship will and should remain the same throughout your marriage
*Your partner’s interest in sex will be the same as yours
*We should be happy all of the time
In future blog posts, we will explore some of these unrealistic expectations and break down why they aren’t always true. However, if any of these resonate with you, it might be a good idea to explore where these beliefs come from. Having unrealistic expectations can often lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction. By no means am I saying lower your standards or sacrifice your values and worth to avoid being disappointed. Your values and standards are important. BUT, don’t hold unrealistic expectations that your partner and your marriage can’t possibly meet. Working up against rigid and unrealistic expectations makes it very challenging to cultivate a resilient marriage. You’ll always be comparing your marriage to a fantasy of sorts.
Now, let’s address unclear expectations. Sometimes we have realistic expectations, but we haven’t made them clear to our partner in a way that they understand, appreciate, and can then meet those needs or expectations. In the SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) Assessment I do with couples, the assessment helps couples identify their particular mindset (thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes) toward marriage. Identifying your mindset toward marriage allows you and your partner to better understand each of your motives, needs, and expectations. Some of the most common mindset types identified in the assessment are:
Resolute Mindset: This type of mindset toward marriage expects a life-long love. They truly believe in marriage and do not consider divorce an option. For this type of spouse with this mindset, you’ll know they have high expectations and hopes for marriage. They will want to resolve most problems and seek the most fulfilling and stable marriage they can achieve.
Rational Mindset: This type of mindset is more practical than romantic about marriage. They approach marriage cautiously and realistically based on logic. For this type of spouse with this mindset, you’ll know that they will approach marriage with the expectation that it will require effort, compromise, and work, but they don’t have high expectations of endless feelings of love or romance.
Romantic Mindset: This type of mindset is more idealistic and passionate about marriage. They believe in love, affection, soulmates/destiny, and hope. For this type of spouse with this mindset, you’ll know that they will approach marriage with the expectation that passion, romance, affection, and trust are priorities.
By better understanding each of your mindsets, you’ll be better able to understand where each of your expectations and needs are coming from. When you have more insight about the origins of your partners expectations, you’ll have a better chance of adjusting to whatever challenges you’re presented in marriage.
2. Accept Accountability
Spouses can often enter into an unhealthy dynamic of trying to win arguments or competing within the marriage. When you transition from being a single individual to one in a committed and lifelong partnership, it can be challenging to learn how to admit fault, take accountability for your impact on someone else, to self reflect, and repair when you’ve done something wrong. Even if you know your intention was not to hurt, disappoint, or upset your partner, you can still take accountability for how your actions or words made them feel. Accepting accountability and learning to repair can be a powerful source of growth in your marriage. No one is perfect and no one is always right, especially in an often vulnerable and deeply intimate relationship like marriage. We all make mistakes and it’s often how we handle them that makes all the difference.
3. Take Action Aligned with Your Values & Commitment
Sometimes when we react or behave based on how we feel instead of based on our commitment & values, we head in the wrong direction. When life gets busy and you’re pressed for time due to all of life’s demands with work, family, possibly kids, responsibilities, etc. it can be easy to put your marriage on the back burner. It’s in these moments that we are challenged to take action based on the fact that we value and desire a thriving marriage and not just react to our limited time and energy. Even though you may feel totally exhausted, making the effort to do something meaningful for your partner or schedule a date night gets you much closer to the type of relationship you want to have.
The same goes for how you react when you’re upset with your partner. Do you react with damaging words, assuming the worst about them, or throwing a tantrum? Or, do you decide that you want to grow from this experience and respond with intention, understanding, and a goal to resolve the issue at hand?
With each and every day in your marriage, you’re presented with an opportunity and a choice to take action toward the marriage you desire. It’s not always the easiest path to take, but it’s well worth it in the end. Always ask yourself, is what I’m about to do/say getting me closer to or further away from the type of marriage I would like to create?
4. Remember That You are On the Same Team
When you’re feeling hurt, upset, or disappointed it can be difficult to remember you’re in this together. Truthfully, in some really hard moments it can be hard to even like your partner, much less embrace them and work with them toward a common goal. It can become easy to turn against one another, to compete, to put all of your desires/needs above your partner’s. Just remember, you have the same goal and you’re on the same team. Resilient couples work to turn toward each other instead of away from each other during the hard moments.