How to Avoid “Sweeping Things Under the Rug” with Your Partner
Have you ever heard the saying, “sweeping things under the rug?” If you haven’t, what it is referring to is the tendency to avoid conflict, discomfort, or truth. It’s when you suppress how you really feel or think in order to prevent the feared consequences of acknowledging and sharing those truths. This can be intentional or unintentional. And, it can be external (hiding these truths from others) or internal (hiding these truths from even ourselves).
Sweeping things under the rug with your partner may look like:
Not expressing when your partner made you feel angry, disappointed, let down, embarrassed, etc.
Allowing your partner to continue doing things that bother you while things negatively build up for you internally
When your partner asks you what is wrong, you reply nothing and refuse to share how you’re really feeling
Pretending like everything is okay when it really isn’t
Avoiding sharing your point of view during a disagreement just to avoid “rocking the boat” or to make the argument end faster
Prioritizing the needs/wants of your partner at the expense of yourself
Minimizing your own needs/feelings for your partner
Feeling like expressing your own needs/feelings is selfish, may hurt your partner unintentionally, or that it will create more problems than it’s worth
Many times, sweeping things under the rug (otherwise known as avoiding conflict) can be traced back to how our own family navigated conflict during our childhood.
For some, their own parents or caregivers swept things under the rug - things weren’t addressed directly, painful emotions/experiences were forgotten about without ever being processed or talked about, or maybe there was always a mask over the family that gave the impression nothing was ever wrong.
For others, maybe their own parents or caregivers had the total opposite approach of avoiding conflict, and instead resorted to hostility and a direct approach to addressing things that at times felt disrespectful, volatile or aggressive. If you grew up in a household such as this, maybe you now resort to avoiding conflict as a means of coping. You may have learned as a young child that if you kept your mouth shut and kept your feelings/thoughts to yourself, you could more easily “keep the peace” and perhaps protect you from emotional, physical, or mental harm. I say this not to place blame on your parents because it is likely they were just repeating learned behaviors from their own parents as well. These types of patterns can be passed down throughout many generations.
Sometimes instead of viewing this behavior as avoidance, we choose to believe or tell ourselves we are simply being the bigger person, mature, low-maintenance, strong, logical, or the peacekeeper.
But, there are risks and consequences to sweeping things under the rug...
Particularly when we’re talking about avoidance in the context of romantic relationships, avoidance can negatively impact our relationship by:
Not allowing you to authentically show up as yourself in the relationship
Not giving your partner the opportunity to fully know you, understand your needs, and desires.
Not having healthy conflict or disagreements that can potentially further your understanding of one another and help you to grow in the relationship
Cultivating feelings of resentment or pent-up anger due to the suppression of your emotions
Creating even bigger problems by trying to maintain the illusion of having no problems in the relationship
Decreasing intimacy in the relationship that can only be derived from vulnerability, authenticity, and connecting.
Not giving your partner the opportunity to show up for you & support you.
In other words, when we accept the role of things like discomfort, vulnerability, emotions, and conflict, we allow our relationship the chance to grow in a deeper, more resilient way.
Here is how you can start to Avoid the Avoidance of Conflict:
Change the way you think about conflict. This first one challenges you to alter your mindset toward conflict. In a healthy relationship, healthy conflict has an important role - it allows you and your partner the opportunity to be truly seen, heard, and understood. It’s not realistic to expect you and your partner will agree 100% of the time. It is also unrealistic to expect that you won’t have issues that will arise in your relationship. When you address these issues directly, respectfully, and authentically, it gives you and your partner a chance to grow in your understanding, compromise, and feel even more resilient as a couple when you overcome each challenge. Healthy conflict can be a source of and catalyst for emotional intimacy.
Connect with your underlying emotions, values, and needs. Those who have a tendency to avoid conflict with their partner can also have a tendency to avoid discomfort within themselves. Before you can show up authentically with your partner, you may have to do some work to show up authentically for yourself. This means - believing that your thoughts/feelings matter, that you deserve to be heard, and that a supportive and loving partner should want to know who you really are and what you really feel. To do this, ask yourself questions like:
Deep down, why am I really bothered by this issue? What feelings are underlying this issue? Is it disappointment, loneliness, anxiety, insecurity, fear of rejection, overwhelm, disappointment, frustration, etc.?
What values do I hold that are being challenged by this issue and causing me to feel this way? ex. holding a value of accountability and commitment and being frustrated by your partner not following through on things they agree to.
What needs do I have that aren’t being met right now? How do I thoughtfully communicate to my partner what I really need and how it will benefit our relationship? ex. I need to know that my partner is truly there for me and will show up for me when they say they will.
Exploring these questions first internally, will help you feel more confident expressing them to your partner later on.
Give yourself a deadline for addressing issues. What’s the longest you’ve allowed something to be avoided? A day, a week, a year, forever? Whatever it may be, the general guideline I like to give couples in order to ensure they don’t avoid important conversations, is to wait a maximum of 24 hours before addressing the issue. 24 hours is plenty of time to internally explore the questions above, process how you feel, and prepare for the conversation, but it will also prevent avoiding the issue completely or letting it go on too long to where it’s forgotten until a later date.
Although we can sweep things under the rug, the truth is that all the mess still exists. Sometimes, if we wait too long to address these issues, the bigger they become and the harder it can feel to resolve them. The best approach is always to address issues early on. If you’re needing extra support with this, feel free to reach out!
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At Marital Mindset Counseling, we believe healthy relationships are a source of strength, connection, and meaning in our lives. Our goal is to better prepare couples for marriage and set a positive foundation and relationship model for generations to come.
As a marriage and family therapist, I offer premarital and marriage counseling to couples in the state of Florida, both virtually and in person. If you want to explore if we’re a good fit for each other, I offer free 15 minute phone consultations as well.