5 Signs it’s Time for Marriage Counseling
Although marriage counseling is often thought of or utilized as a last resort before separation or divorce, it is highly recommended that couples utilize this resource much earlier. Within the last decade, the stigma around therapy has decreased significantly. While couples therapy once might have caused others’ to assume there was trouble, instability, or wrongdoing in the marriage, couples therapy now has proven to be a powerful catalyst for deepened connection and improved relationship satisfaction.
In today’s blog post I’m going to share with you some of the top signs it may be time to schedule your next couple’s therapy session (spoiler alert: pending separation is not one of them).
You’re about to or recently experienced a significant transition
New experiences or significant changes for you or your partner can often create a change in your relationship dynamics. Examples of potential transitions include:
Moving to a new city
Job change or loss
Illness within the family
Having a baby/Parenting
Grief/Loss
Entering a new life stage (parents, middle-age, empty-nesters, aging parents, etc)
Any of these changes can create additional stress, responsibility, and tension within the marriage. Even changes such as pregnancy or having a baby that often bring much excitement and joy, can still be difficult to adapt to. Before or during times of significant transition, it’s a great time to check in with a marriage counselor. This will give you the designated space and opportunity to explore emotions related to the change, increase your understanding of one another’s experience, and increase your communication, connection and support for one another.
2. You’ve noticed difficulty communicating about or resolving a particular issue
If you’ve noticed that a particular topic or issue is being continuously brought up (or even avoided) and evokes strong emotions, confusion, or contention in your relationship, it may be a good idea to enlist a marriage counselor’s help. If you’re finding that there is no resolution around the issue, you feel stuck, one or both of you feel your experience or stance is misunderstood, or you feel unheard, the way you’re communicating about the issue may be creating challenges.
Instead of continuously going around in circles and repeating resolution attempts that are clearly not working, a marriage counselor will assist you in identifying the underlying emotions, the unhelpful patterns you’re both contributing to, and help you to create new patterns that create more understanding and empathy around the issue.
3. You’re feeling disconnected from your partner
During a long-term relationship or marriage, couples have a tendency to become complacent. Things can begin to feel stuck, routine, or maybe even lonely.
A common misconception is that the longer you’re in a relationship with someone, the less there is to learn about your partner. The truth is that within the lifespan of your marriage, both you and your partner are constantly evolving as individuals and within the relationship. None of us are the same people we were 10 or even 5 years ago. The challenge for many long-term relationships is that partners stop learning about one another and experiencing each other in new ways. What this often leads to is waking up one day and feeling you don’t know your partner and they don’t know you, aka: growing apart, falling out of love, or becoming two different people.
Yes, maybe at one point you deeply knew and cared about your partner’s dreams, their fears, their everyday stressors. But after some time has passed, many couples can begin to make assumptions about these dynamic facets of their partner’s life. They stop asking those questions that were much more common during the dating phase of their relationship. This often creates a disconnect or living separate lives. However, as a couples therapist my goal is to help you create habits of learning, growing, and connecting no matter how long you’ve been together. And ideally, we would do this BEFORE things feel totally separate or lonely. Continued learning increases intimacy and closeness in marriage.
4. You’ve noticed feelings of resentment coming up for you or your partner
Resentment is poison in a marriage. Might there be good reason to feel feelings of resentment within your marriage? Of course! Your feelings are valid. However, resentment in particular can spread like wildfire. It can consume and it can create a state of constant negativity. Any trace of resentment is a good indicator there is something that needs to be addressed, heard, and understood. If left unchecked, resentment has the potential to diminish the things that are actually going well in the relationship, your relationship strengths, and positive emotions you feel toward your partner. In other words, it’s the opposite of rose-colored glasses.
The antidote to resentment is gratitude. This is not to say we should avoid or sweep feelings of resentment under the rug. Underneath resentment there are often underlying feelings of overwhelm, loneliness, frustration, and feeling unappreciated. These feelings should be brought to the surface, explored, noticed, expressed, and empathized with. Once we address the underlying emotions, we then can access our strengths, positive emotions, and the gratitude we have for our partner in other areas of our relationship. Gratitude can be just as powerful as resentment, and much more pleasant to experience.
5. You want to check in and prevent issues from coming up later on
If you’ve made it to the bottom of this list and none of the above reasons resonate, here’s what you need to know… you don’t need a reason to see a marriage counselor. Prevention is reason enough. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, marriage can be one of the most fulfilling, supportive and meaningful resources in our lives. BUT, this doesn’t mean marriage is always easy. Marriage isn’t linear. It’s a journey of highs and lows. It’s not based on a feeling or the expectation of a fixed state of happiness because feelings change. Most of the time, it’s expected that we’ll face challenges. We’ll be thrown into unforeseen circumstances or transition. We’ll be triggered and experience difficulty communicating. We’ll notice feelings of disconnect or resentment. It’s not necessarily a question of IF, but more so a question of WHEN. And, how will we handle it when challenges do arise?
Consider marriage counseling, your annual checkup or the oil change you need in your car. It’s your chance to invest in the health of your relationship, to reconnect and reprioritize your marriage.
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At Marital Mindset Counseling, we believe healthy relationships are a source of strength, connection, and meaning in our lives. Our goal is to better prepare couples for marriage and set a positive foundation and relationship model for generations to come.
As a marriage and family therapist, I offer premarital and marriage counseling to couples in the state of Florida, both virtually and in person. If you want to explore if we’re a good fit for each other, I offer free 15 minute phone consultations as well.