What am I really feeling? How vulnerability deepens connection

It was a quiet evening at home when Sarah and James found themselves in yet another argument. The dishes weren’t done, the baby was crying, and Sarah’s frustration spilled out as sharp words: “You never help around here!” James, feeling attacked, shot back defensively, “I’ve been working all day. What more do you want from me?” They both retreated to separate corners of the house, angry and disconnected, wondering why such small moments always turned into big fights. What neither of them said—or perhaps even recognized—was what they were really feeling. Sarah’s anger masked the loneliness and overwhelm of managing so much on her own. James’s defensiveness covered up his guilt and desire to feel appreciated. Instead of sharing those deeper feelings, they stayed locked in surface-level conflict.

Why Do We Hide Behind Anger and Defensiveness Instead of Being Vulnerable?

For many of us, it feels safer to express frustration, anger, or annoyance because these emotions act as shields. They protect us from the discomfort of being vulnerable, of exposing what we truly feel beneath the surface—hurt, fear, loneliness, or longing. Sharing those deeper emotions requires us to take a risk: the risk of rejection, judgment, or misunderstanding. Defensiveness, on the other hand, feels like self-preservation. It allows us to maintain a sense of control and avoid the rawness of admitting, “I feel unimportant,” or “I’m scared I can’t do this alone.” In moments of conflict, it’s easier to point fingers or put up walls than to open the door to emotions that leave us feeling exposed. But while defensiveness may feel safer in the moment, it ultimately creates distance, blocking the connection we so deeply crave.

How to Pause, Reflect, and Identify What You’re Really Feeling

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to fall into a knee-jerk reaction—defensiveness, blame, or anger. But instead of reacting immediately, what if we took a pause? Pausing creates space to step back, reflect, and explore what’s truly happening inside us. This is the first and most crucial step in responding with vulnerability: understanding what we’re really feeling before we can communicate it to our partner.

To do this, it helps to identify whether we’re experiencing a primary emotion—a raw, instinctive feeling like sadness, fear, or joy—or a secondary emotion, which often masks the primary feeling and emerges as frustration, annoyance, or defensiveness. For example, when you snap at your spouse for being late, the annoyance might actually be covering up the hurt of feeling unimportant or forgotten.

One practical tool to help with this reflection is the feelings wheel, which can guide you in naming and pinpointing your emotions. By taking a moment to look inward and ask, “What’s really going on for me?” you can uncover the primary emotion behind the secondary reaction. It’s in this pause and self-reflection that you begin to soften, moving from defensiveness to curiosity about yourself—and ultimately to a place where you can communicate more openly with your partner.

How Vulnerable Communication Transforms Your Partner’s Response

When we communicate our vulnerable emotions—those primary feelings like sadness, fear, or loneliness—it has a powerful impact on how our partner responds. Sharing our true feelings requires us to soften our approach, moving away from blame or criticism and instead inviting connection and understanding. This approach is backed by research from Dr. John Gottman, who emphasizes the importance of the “Softened Start-Up.” Couples who begin conversations with a gentle tone, expressing their emotions rather than accusations, are far more likely to engage in constructive dialogue and avoid escalating conflict.

For example, saying, “I feel overwhelmed and scared I can’t handle this on my own” is far more likely to elicit compassion than saying, “You never help me!” Vulnerable communication signals to your partner that you trust them with your feelings and that you’re seeking connection rather than confrontation. This shift not only reduces defensiveness but also creates an emotional safety net where both partners feel seen and valued. Over time, practicing this form of communication builds intimacy, trust, and a deeper understanding of one another’s needs—especially during challenging life stages like preparing for marriage or welcoming a new baby.

Making a Constructive Request: Turning Emotions into Solutions

Taking vulnerability a step further means not just sharing what you’re feeling but also expressing what you need in a positive and constructive way. Drs. John and Julie Gottman outline a simple but powerful formula for this: “I feel (primary emotion) about (specific situation), and I need (positive action).” This framework shifts the focus from blame to solution, helping your partner understand not only your emotions but also how they can meet your needs. According to Gottman research, couples who express their needs clearly and positively are more likely to experience deeper connection and mutual satisfaction in their relationship.

Here are some examples of how to turn emotions into constructive requests:

• Instead of “You never spend time with me,” try:
  “I feel lonely when we don’t have quality time together, and I need us to plan a date night this week.”

• Instead of “You don’t care about the stress I’m under,” try:
  “I feel overwhelmed with everything on my plate, and I need your help with bedtime tonight.”

• Instead of “Why do I have to do everything around here?” try:
  “I feel exhausted from handling the housework alone, and I need us to work out a plan to share the load.”

Positive needs are actionable and solution-focused; they invite your partner to step in with support and show that you value their role in meeting your emotional needs. Expressing a constructive ask not only softens the conversation but also empowers your partner to respond in a way that builds trust and connection. It’s a small but transformative shift that helps couples move from frustration and misunderstanding to partnership and understanding.

How Vulnerability Can Strengthen Your Connection Through Life’s Biggest Changes

Times of significant change—like getting married or adjusting to life with a newborn—can make it especially difficult to connect with vulnerability. When life feels overwhelming or uncertain, it’s natural to fall back on defensive reactions or surface-level emotions as a way of protecting ourselves from the discomfort of feeling exposed. The pressure to adjust to new roles, navigate unfamiliar responsibilities, and manage the stress that comes with these transitions can trigger fear, insecurity, or doubt. In these moments, vulnerability feels risky; it can feel like opening yourself up to more stress or hurt rather than seeking connection.

But it’s precisely during these times of change that vulnerability is needed the most. When both partners are navigating major transitions, taking the time to pause, reflect, and communicate openly can create a deeper understanding of each other’s emotional needs. By sharing your true feelings in a positive and constructive way, you invite empathy and support, helping you both feel more secure in the relationship.

If you’re in a phase of transition—whether preparing for marriage or adjusting to postpartum life—getting the support you need to navigate these changes can help you stay connected. As a premarital and perinatal relationship therapist in Coral Gables, Florida, I specialize in helping couples strengthen their bond through life’s most challenging and rewarding transitions. Together, we can work on building deeper emotional connections that will help you thrive as partners, no matter what changes come your way.