When You Do/Don’t Want a Marriage Like Your Parents
Regardless of how you may feel, your parent’s Marriage (or relationship) will undoubtedly influence your own marriage…
For most individuals, this looks like one of a few possibilities:
You grew up admiring and idolizing your parent’s relationship and have hope to emulate something similar in your own marriage.
You grew up experiencing a lot of pain, frustration, or instability related to your parent’s relationship and you decided you wanted your marriage to look nothing like theirs.
There’s some combination of the two - there were some things you admired about your parent’s relationship, but also some things you didn’t particularly like and would like to avoid.
Maybe you have a general sense of what you do or don’t want to repeat based on the marriages you had modeled to you and maybe you’ve even had this conversation with your partner to some extent about this. However, if you don’t go into marriage with a specific plan on how you want to navigate these patterns, it can become easy to simply revert to what you know. This is how Generational Patterns are created and solidified.
What are Generational Patterns?
Generational Patterns are the patterns of behaviors, beliefs, and relationships dynamics that are passed down from one generation to the next within a family. Sometimes these patterns can even be traced back to grandparents and great grandparents. Some generational patterns can be experienced negatively - patterns of affairs, mistrust, addictions, abuse, poor communication, rigidity and emotional disconnection, hostility, among many other things. On the other hand, some generational patterns can be a source of rich tradition, connection and support - emotional closeness, trust, support, commitment, selflessness, etc.
Generational patterns are one of my favorite things to talk about with couples. Why? Because generational patterns often are the source of the stories, experiences, and beliefs that make us who we are and form our hopes, dreams and expectations related to relationships and marriage. And, when couples explore these stories and experiences together (sometimes for the first time), it can create a deeper level of understanding and connection.
Generational patterns are not permanent or a predetermined path for your own marriage. We have autonomy and agency when it comes to determining if we want to continue or discontinue these patterns. However, this does require intention, openness with your partner, and self-awareness. If not, as previously mentioned, sometimes we just go back to what we know. Sometimes we don’t know how to create a different pattern or relationship dynamic if it’s something we’ve never seen or experienced before. This is why it is not uncommon to see adult children often repeating the same mistakes of their parents.
How to be Intentional with Generational Patterns for Your Own Marriage
An exercise I often like to do with couples explores Generational Blessings (things you want to continue from your parent’s relationship) and Generational Burdens (things you want to discontinue from your parent’s marriage and create something new for your own family). I often have each partner pick 3 for each category and then share together.
Some examples of Generational Blessings might be:
Meaningful holidays/traditions/vacations
Communication Styles
Emotional Expression/Closeness
Strength and Resilience
Commitment
Selflessness
Humor/Playfulness
Trust & Support
Acceptance & Individuality
Financial Management
Affection/Intimacy/Dating
Work-Ethic
Emotion Regulation
Some examples of Generational Burdens might be:
Jealousy & Mistrust
Affairs
Hostility
Emotional, Mental, Physical, or Sexual Abuse
Rigidity & Lack of Closeness
Emotional cut-offs
Unrealistic Expectations or Impossibly High Standards
Conditional love or support
Rejection of the Individual, Criticism or Contempt
Poor communication styles
Lack of intimacy, affection or positive regard
Culture of resentment and negativity
Negative and generalizing beliefs about the world and relationships
Then, it’s important you share WHY you chose these - what experiences led you to chose these? What emotions come up when you think of these experiences? How have they impacted you? AND, you’ll also share your ideas on an action plan to successfully continue/discontinue these patterns. Some questions to help you reflect on an action plan:
Are there ways in which our blessings/burdens complement each other?
Are there ways in which they contradict? Can we reach common ground?
What are the warning signs that will signal we are reverting back to a pattern or dynamic we consider a burden? ex. starting to notice yourself shutting down emotionally during conflict
What are the warning signs that you aren’t quite meeting up to the patterns you want to continue? ex. prioritizing work over the relationship and not making the time/effort for emotional or physical intimacy
How will you communicate to your partner if you feel you’re not moving in the right direction? How will you repair if you make a mistake?
Having this conversation with your partner will allow you to deepen your understanding of one another and your experiences. It will also give you the opportunity to clarify each other’s hopes and expectations for the dynamics and values of your marriage.
If you find during this conversation you or your partner are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, defensive, or stuck, it may be helpful to enlist the support of a therapist or premarital counselor to help facilitate the conversation.
Book a Free Consultation Today:
At Marital Mindset Counseling, we believe healthy relationships are a source of strength, connection, and meaning in our lives. Our goal is to better prepare couples for marriage and set a positive foundation and relationship model for generations to come.
As a marriage and family therapist, I offer premarital and marriage counseling to couples in the state of Florida, both virtually and in person. If you want to explore if we’re a good fit for each other, I offer free 15 minute phone consultations as well.