3 Questions to Help You and Your Spouse Find Compromise
Compromise in relationships isn’t about one person winning and the other losing—it’s about working together to create a solution that honors both partners’ needs. Whether you’re preparing for marriage, adjusting to life with a baby, or navigating long-term relationship challenges, learning how to compromise effectively is essential for building a strong foundation.
According to The Gottman Institute’s Art of Compromise exercise, successful compromise starts with identifying what is truly non-negotiable (your core needs) and what areas have room for flexibility. Many disagreements feel impossible to resolve because they seem all-or-nothing, but most conflicts have some areas where flexibility is possible.
If you and your partner feel stuck in gridlock, start by asking these three questions to uncover areas where you can adjust without sacrificing what matters most.
1. How Can I Be Flexible on Timing?
When partners feel at odds over an issue, one of the most straightforward ways to compromise is adjusting when something happens. Timing can play a big role in relationship conflicts, and often, disagreements become stuck because both people assume that something must be done right now or not at all.
Examples of Compromising on Timing:
A couple preparing for marriage disagrees about when to have children. Instead of it being “now or never,” they agree to revisit the conversation in a year and reassess.
A postpartum couple struggles with one parent wanting family visits frequently while the other feels overwhelmed. They compromise by delaying visits for a few weeks to allow time to adjust.
A married couple disagrees about making a large purchase. Instead of arguing about whether to buy it at all, they agree to wait six months while they save up.
Shifting the conversation from if something will happen to when allows both partners to feel heard and helps prevent rigid, all-or-nothing thinking.
2. How Can I Be Flexible on the Extent to Which This Is Done?
Sometimes, the disagreement isn’t about whether something should happen, but how much of it should happen. This is often the case when partners have different comfort levels, preferences, or expectations about a situation.
Examples of Compromising on the Extent:
One partner wants to go on weekly date nights, while the other is overwhelmed with a newborn. Instead of scrapping date nights altogether, they agree to go out once a month for now.
A couple disagrees on how often to host friends or family. Instead of “all the time” vs. “never,” they compromise by limiting visits to once every two months.
One person wants to implement a strict budgeting system, while the other prefers financial flexibility. They meet in the middle by setting a budget but allowing for occasional splurges.
When couples recognize that there’s often middle ground between “not at all” and “all the time,” they can find solutions that respect both partners’ needs.
3. How Can I Be Flexible on the Cost?
Cost isn’t just about money—it’s about the emotional, physical, or mental energy required to follow through on something. One reason compromise can feel difficult is that one or both partners feel like they are giving up too much.
Examples of Compromising on Cost:
A partner wants a big wedding, but the other is uncomfortable with the financial burden. Instead of choosing between a large wedding or none at all, they agree on a small but meaningful celebration.
One parent wants to exclusively breastfeed, but the other notices their partner is struggling. Instead of making it an all-or-nothing decision, they introduce formula as a supplemental option.
A couple debates how much time should be dedicated to family obligations. Instead of committing to full weekends away, they agree to shorter visits that feel more manageable.
By recognizing the “cost” of a decision—whether it’s financial, emotional, or physical—couples can work together to find a balance that feels sustainable for both people.
Why Issues Are Rarely One-Sided
One of the biggest mistakes couples make during conflict is assuming that one person is right and the other is wrong. But in reality, most issues are multi-layered.
When disagreements arise, they are often tied to deeper values, experiences, or fears that both partners bring to the table. For example, a disagreement about how often to visit family may seem like a surface-level issue, but it could be connected to childhood experiences—one partner may value independence while the other prioritizes family closeness.
When couples recognize that conflicts aren’t about proving who is right, but about understanding each other’s deeper needs, they can approach discussions with more empathy and flexibility.
Each Partner Has Their Own Reality—And It’s Valid
A common frustration in relationships is feeling like your partner just doesn’t “get it.” But the truth is, both partners have their own reality, and both perspectives are valid.
Dr. John Gottman’s research emphasizes that there is no single, objective truth in most relationship conflicts. Instead, each person sees the situation through their own lens, shaped by past experiences, emotions, and needs.
Instead of asking:
“Why can’t they see it my way?”
Try asking:
“What is my partner’s reality in this conflict?”
“Why does this matter so much to them?”
“How can I validate their perspective, even if I don’t fully agree?”
When couples acknowledge that each person’s feelings and reality are valid, compromise becomes much easier.
Why Therapists Don’t Take Sides in Couples Therapy
A common misconception about couples therapy is that the therapist will determine who is “right” and who is “wrong.” But experienced couples therapists don’t take sides—because healthy relationships aren’t about winning arguments, they’re about understanding and connection.
Instead of choosing sides, therapists:
Help each partner clarify their core needs and flexible areas.
Guide couples in seeing each other’s perspective with empathy.
Encourage communication strategies that reduce defensiveness.
Work toward solutions that meet both partners’ needs.
The goal isn’t to “fix” one partner or prove who’s right, but to help couples develop tools to navigate conflict with greater understanding and teamwork.
Finding Compromise in Your Relationship
Whether you’re engaged, navigating postpartum life, or working through long-standing marriage challenges, compromise is a skill that strengthens relationships. By identifying where you can be flexible, understanding each other’s perspectives, and approaching disagreements with a teamwork mindset, you and your partner can create solutions that work for both of you.
If you and your partner struggle with conflict resolution, couples therapy can help. As a Couples Therapist in Coral Gables, FL, I specialize in premarital counseling, postpartum relationship support, and marriage counseling to help couples strengthen communication and build a foundation of collaboration.
💡 Ready to improve the way you and your partner handle conflict? Reach out today to learn how therapy can help you create a relationship where both of you feel heard, valued, and supported.